I walk into the yoga room today ready for my practice. I feel good, my body is strong from all the wheel yoga, I've been eating clean, drinking less alcohol, feel bad ass. Becky calls the first pose Child's Pose, I breathe I feel present. We go through Rag Doll Pose, Sun Salutations, I feel good & begin to sweat quickly. I love hearing Becky's voice she is a strong leader. She calls Side angle pose! Hmmmm....what do I want to do with my arm? Do I want to bind my arm, is my front thigh ok? My back foot feels funny, wait, is that a cobweb on the ceiling?? OK that wasn't easy. Focus Wanda. Next Pose, Flip Dog, well I don't like Flip Dog today. I've been working hard lately so I am not doing that. Wait, did Becky just have us come out and then do it again? What do you mean Flip Dog more than one time, what is she fucking crazy? Oh now Flip Dog to Cheetah Pose? Oh GOD, How long have we been in this class now? Maybe I should take Child's Pose because my body's tired. Maybe I need more water. Boy am I getting on my own nerves, if I was my student, I say get your head out of your ass. Intention, Drishti, Breath!
Chair pose, wait a minute did she say for five breaths? I'm too weak today to hold it for five flippin breaths, I'll just do a different pose, or maybe just Child's Pose. Why am not selling those leg warmers in the retail area? Should I open an eBay store? Do I have time to open an eBay store? Maybe Rachele knows how to open an eBay store? If I open an eBay store can I be present with my kids? Do my kids love me? Ouch, why does my big toe have a cramp? Maybe I should just leave the yoga room right now and go sit at the desk and do work. This practice is worthless. What the hell!!! Your a yoga teacher, just get present breathe and BE! Stay! Drishti! Breathe!
Balancing series, YES, my favorite. Do I feel nauseous? Is my back fat hanging out of my shirt? Is my back fat smaller from all my wheel classes? Dancer pose sucks today! I feel stuck. She just said three dancer poses? But I only want to do two. It is an hour class so why are we doing three? Is the refrigerator door cracked open? The eye towels are going to be warm because the refrigerator doors open. I really want to do Savasana and get a cold eye towel. Oh my god there's 25 minutes left in class. I need coffee. I'm wasting my own time. Why is my head up my ass? You know better than this. Stop thinking! I heard Trader Joe's is selling Sriracha potato chips. If I don't practice I can't eat potato chips. Wait a minute yes I can, potatoes are good for you. Stop thinking! Did she just say Frog Pose? Yeah a Frog Pose, love this one. Oh crap! This doesn't feel good today either. Becky says be still, close your eyes, feel your breath. Shut up Becky. I want coffee & sriracha potato chips...that’s all, not this stupid yoga.
Why am I sharing my head up my ass yoga practice with you? Because I feel exhausted just writing down these thoughts. I gave away so much of my energy with my negative self-talk and I know better!!!!!! I feel it's important to share with my community that I struggle, even though I have practiced for 25 years, I lead teacher trainings and workshops. That this happens sometimes to EVERYONE! So where will I go from here? I go right into my next practice knowing that todays practice doesn't determine my future, it is already my past. I will choose to not look back and eagerly await the next time I roll my mat out and take that first pose Child's Pose. I shared with Becky right after class what was going on, she said, write that down....that is good....let us all in, let us learn Grace from your story. Thank you Becky, I stopped and got my Starbucks Coffee and my Trader Joes Sriracha chips to join me as I write this blog. Perfection is not what I ever desire, authenticity is way more fun!!!!!!!!