I have just returned from SHINE Leadership Training and read Being of Power, by Baron Baptiste to complete my essay assignment. Oh what timing this turned out to be........one of the laws of being powerful is Embrace Naked Reality.
In this present moment Embrace Naked Reality speaks to me the most. The naked reality in my life is what I do and don't do with the good and bad, the clean and messy, the comfortable and uncomfortable situations. It is what I do or don't do with my feeling of excitement when I found out I was pregnant the day I returned from training and the sadness and tears when I knew I lost my baby.
The truth is, it was challenging for me to practice embracing the naked reality of what I was experiencing around my miscarriage. I knew something was wrong and instead of embracing the naked reality of it I made it more challenging. I started to give meaning to everything, I went into reaction mode. I let anger and frustration take me over.
I remember sitting in the stupid patient chair with my legs spread open while the ultrasound tech was so annoyingly quiet taking measurements. When she didn’t say anything I wanted to punch her but when she finally spoke I still wanted to punch her. You are going to laugh when I tell you what she said that made me so crazy. She said, “breathe”. Oh my goodness I was being such a bitchI wanted to say to her“I am a yoga teacher, I tell students every damn day to breath, I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE!” I want to punch her. My head chatter at that point was in a state of fear, I knew something was wrong, I let the fear and anger take me over.
After she finished, she asked me to get dressed and go to the waiting room, she told me the doctor would come and get me. I was not leaving that room without seeing what was wrong so I took a few extra minutes and looked at the screen to find that the sac where my baby should have been happily growing...and the sac was empty. I waited for the doctor and waited and waited. Oh boy my thoughts were not nice at all while I waited. Everyone I saw was fucking pregnant in those next fifteen minutes that felt like eternity, even the fucking nurse! So when I finally saw the doctor to receive the confirmation that there was no baby, I had to take the ultra sound techs advise and focus on my breath to get through those painful couple of moments. I felt like a building just collapsed on me. Right then, I was all alone, I was broken, it was like breathing through an opening the size of a coffee straw under a fallen building.
That place also where I had to find out how strong I was. I had to let the baby go I had to be alone and feel the hurt and I had to connect with my shallow breath one breath at a time. I had to tell myself you can do this and you are going to be fine. I had to sit with the naked reality. I was able to maintain my breath and sustain a rhythm that was open and clear. I was able to love myself here in this place. I needed to be vulnerable and raw. I made a decision to embrace this reality and not feel sorry for myself that I miscarried. I made a decision to stop creating stories that cause more drama.
Embracing my Naked Reality with no filter is that I miscarried. I will create space to handle the situation in a nonreactive way. I will process this with LOVE. I will mindfully work at holding on to this space with love & compassion.