So You Went to Yoga Teacher Training: Now What? (A Battle between the Truth and my ego)

On the magical island of Daufuskie, I had the pleasure of being completely cracked open. I was undone. I busted through blocks and bumps and bruises and past hurts and doubts and fears, and in the end, I might has well have screamed, from a mountaintop, covered in war paint (or maybe flash tattoos?), “VICTORY IS MINE!” I was whole! I was healed! I was on FIRE and ready to take the world by storm! But then I came home.

Honestly, I maintained my high vibrational state for a good 2 to 3 weeks. You know the high after a super amazing sweaty practice? Yeah, it was like that, but it lasted close to 20 days. Longest yoga high ever!

I was alive, free, and completely inspired. I felt that all things were possible. I knew abundance was mine. I rediscovered my childlike state; I allowed my heart to lead me. I was centered, connected, and calm. I was in the freaking flow. I felt the magic that is NOW. 

But that space that had been cracked open and filled with what I’ll call Spirit was having a difficult time keeping it up. Life crept in. My ego was back- with a vengeance. And she was PISSED.

Who are you to be loved? Who are you to be seen? Who are you to be so…happy? You better reel this shit in. You better control it all. Don’t you care what you look like to others? It’s probably time to isolate yourself. Go run and hide. Criticize others. Don’t you feel threatened? You know they probably do. You’re too weird. You’re too different. You’re gonna finally be found out. You’re not enough. You’ll never be accepted. And you better not shine as bright as you can- that’s gonna make people hate you even more. 

And then my ego did some other crazy stuff. She started making up stories about other people. She is really, really creative and can come up with some stellar plotlines. But then, the real voice, the Truth, told me something else. It said: Stop projecting. You know those feelings that keep coming up, year after year? It’s time to face them. Your deepest insecurities, the gritty and ugly underbelly of your darkest parts has to be confronted. Otherwise, you will constantly live in this battle. You will always project the things you’d rather not deal with within yourself onto others. And this will keep you separate. And that is not the Truth. And I am damn sure that’s not what you want for your life. Don’t you want to be a part of it all? To shine your heart for the world to see? You want to empower others. You want to lead by example. And you have tasted this! Remember what you learned on the island? That is what is real! (Gloria Steinem said, “The Truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. I mean, right?)

And then I learned something big: my quest for being the best version of myself that I can be is not always linear. It’s not always another step forward. Sometimes it’s 4 steps back. It’s not always another step up the ladder. Sometimes I miss the rung and I fall flat on my face! And really, how could that not have happened upon returning home from Daufuskie? Being there, with likeminded people who were also on a quest to be their best, in that utopian environment, being supported and encouraged not only day-to-day but also minute to freaking minute? I was riding so high; it was inevitable that I would come back down to Earth. And that’s okay! 

But you know what? When I start to judge myself for not constantly living as the person I became on the island, it doesn’t serve anyone. I know what I am capable of. And because I was gifted this beautiful experience of Leadership Training, I have seen, if only just a glimpse, my best self. And she’s freaking awesome. And so are you. And that’s the Truth.