At 35 I am going through the experience of having divorced parents. I know I’m an adult(ish) and I know it’s not my fault, but I still feel awful.
My parents came together around the same time I came into the picture. Mom was new to town and Dad was already settled into the area. Dad knew he saw something special in Mom and immediately invited her in. After some time Mom started to feel caged. Not that Dads way was wrong, it’s just not what she wanted. They tried living separately. Hoping the space would give them each freedom to grow and still work as a team. It wasn’t enough. Only a couple years into their marriage, it ended. In their short time together a lot of us kids popped up. I was part of the first dozen.
This family was found, as many of our families are as we get older, in my original home studio. It did feel much like that, home. My friends, family (Actual blood) and job was there. I took my first yoga class in that space. I did my teacher training in the dark, grungy basement. And I wept Openly, IN PUBLIC there. When Mom told me she was opening up a new branch and wanted me to be involved, i was pshyed to be a bigger part of the family.
It was good, until it wasn’t. And “wasn’t” came fast. Once the split was finalized I worked at both Mom’s and Dad’s house. Careful not to mention one in front of the other or anything going on in the others house. But then Mom got a second house. A BIG firggin’ house. A house, that if I was going to attend to properly, I couldn’t live at Dad’s anymore.
So I put on my Big Girl pants on and sat Dad down. I looked him in the eye and told him I was going to live with Mom. He wished me well, we hugged and said our goodbyes. Some of the their other children did the same, choosing to be at either Mom or Dad’s house. While others commute in between.
I know it’s been rough on both Mom and Dad. But I can only speak the truth from my reality.
It’s been really hard on us kids too.
With our community being so small the split is more like a hairline fracture. We’re walking the line and sometimes unknowingly step over it. Feelings are hurt, lectures are professed and we’re left stumbling... “No, wait....I didn’t mean.....”
The thing we kids left in the wake of a divorce want our parents to know is that we need to be free to love you both. We want both houses to be great and our parents to know that our love for Mom does not take away from our love for Dad. Please realize every time you make it harder on each other, you make it harder on us too. And in the course of our lives more Moms and Dads will come into the picture. People that we will learn from and grow with, who aren’t you. But it doesn't take away from everything we gained because we were blessed enough to be with you for a part of our time here.
We need Dad to know... I need Dad to know... just because I’m not at your house anymore, doesn’t mean I think of you and smile or that you don’t hold some of the fondest memories I’ll ever have. Just because I’m not at your house anymore doesn't mean I don’t still love you.
It’s the love that makes the difference. Its the love that make your actions hurt so much more.