Hi, my name is Rachele and I am a recovering drama addict.
I cannot seem to get enough drama and some days my life feels unmanageable. I have the voice in my head saying "Why do I get myself into the situations?" I'll even say to friends and family. "What is WRONG with me?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I recently attended Baron Baptiste's Level 1 Yoga Training. Yes we did alot of yoga, but our experience was even more emotional excavation (whoa). What I learned is that I carry a story- something, somewhere, sometime ago, I collected an idea that I like to use as a source for my story of what is wrong with me. I use it to define, justify, manipulate and validate my fearful existence. If you say you are not scared of anything? That is a big, boldfaced LIE - you are human. I say this with love, because excavation & realization, is your turning point to freedom.
So back to my story: During excavation, I felt calm and not very emotional and I thought I wasn’t getting it. Then I realized “NOTHING IS WRONG WITH ME!” This hit me like a Mack truck... loaded to the top...with bricks. Of course I can identify with feeling "I’m not good enough," "I fear being abandoned," and "I'm a shitty person.” But saying nothing is wrong with me.....THIS made my toes curl, (and not in a good way). I need something to be wrong with me, so I can justify my need for drama.
“All right then...” I said to myself. I constantly stir up drama to justify the fact that something is wrong with me, AND if there's no drama I cannot validate my story. Frankly, I'm not comfortable any other way. Now what the hell am I suppose to do? Live in ease and be comfortable? Never thought that was an option.
You may be asking, “Is drama really comfortable?” I use the word “comfortable” loosely. It is simply what I’m used to, what I’m familiar with. A drug addict doesn't like to do drugs. It is habit, filling an inner void with anything other than authenticity. And drama has some big highs- the adrenaline from secrecy & playing with fire. I used to say, "My biggest fear is being ordinary, never seeing how extraordinary I am”.
So what does drama feel like in my body? Drama feels like anxiety, exhaustion, guilt and shame. I said to myself “Listen Rachele, you did not get clean and sober for this shit.” “Your on the same roller coaster, with a different more acceptable name”.
I had to dig deep and ask “What does loving myself unconditionally feel like?” “What does being confident in my own skin feel like?” So I brought myself to what else I do really well, which is teach Power Yoga. In Savasana Pose, I tell my students to unravel another layer of the onion. Your truth is at your core. We already have everything we need, and all of us are blessings even in messiness. WHOA! I need to live what I preach...every day, no excuses.
Am I cured? Oh honey... I'm in my twenties. I have a life left of lessons and obtaining wisdom. So now when I mess up, I say NOTHING wrong with me? When I stumble – NOTHING wrong with you? No. It's being human and choosing to take the NEXT right action. It’s called an amazing thing: Grace.
I'm not attracted to practicing Yoga because it's beautiful or to obtain spiritual enlightenment. I am attracted to yoga because I get angry, dramatic, stubborn and obsessively competitive. Yoga keeps me out of jail (just kidding... kind of). I'm attracted to yoga because it forces me to look at myself in all my grace, glory and ugliness. I cannot hide from myself. Yoga points me towards authenticity whether I like it or not. I do yoga to get FREE!!!!