by Madi Gilhool
For the first time in a while, I had a conversation and cried in front of someone. It is out of the ordinary for me to cry in front of people in the real world (besides my mom lol). The yoga room is a different story. When I am in the studio, I feel safe and comfortable. Nothing can hurt me there but that all changes once I leave. When I am on the phone or in person talking to a friend, the safety goes away and I feel vulnerable. I am able to be judged and ridiculed for the crazy patterns my mind goes through. But when I open up, relief comes my way. I’m not holding everything in my body and waiting for a yoga practice to cry. I meet my mind where it is and hope that I will be alright.
Today, I let go of the thought that I am not worthy through a long talk with my friend. I am not worthy of college, a relationship, friends, attention, love, compassion. Fill in the blank and it probably ran through my mind at a bajillion miles per hour. It was not something I was able to find in my yoga practice. I had to open up to a friend about what I was holding onto and allow her to see where I was. I sobbed for about 30 of the 40 minute conversation but I was heard by another person outside of the studio. It was okay to be a mess outside of the studio.
This conversation not only allowed me to be seen but allowed my friend to be as well. She has been struggling with similar emotions and situations and we were able to support each other in different ways. She consoled me through acknowledging the work I have done on myself for the past year through leadership trainings. I helped her find ease by showing her that she wasn’t alone in her situations. No judgment from either party, only a set of listening ears.
It is hard to find that in other people. We are programmed to jump to conclusions, ask questions, assess what we see and hear but where does that really get us? Are we actually listening to the story being presented or getting caught up in our head with more bullshit? When we drop the thoughts that arise in these conversations and hear others, we create an impact whether we help someone heal or find empowerment within themselves. From that space, we have the ability to grow and learn from our emotions and past. All we have to do is let our armor go and just listen.